KOKO June 3, 2022

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"Living is going to be more painful than death. But do you still want to live?"

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The time stood still like it didn't start moving since I got on the bus. All the definitions I read about time and its meaning did not make sense at the time. Everything was stuck at the moment on the other hand I faded away through whatever was counting at that time but I am sure it wasn't time.


My soul left me halfway through the road. I was trying to connect with my body but I couldn't. I tried to close my eyes a couple of times or more but the sunshine that was coming through the window didn't let me. I couldn't feel my legs, I can not explain the feeling but I was only in control of my upper body. The pain was not painful to be explained. I was numb.


So many thoughts crossed my mind. I got into an argument with myself to distract me from the alexithymia feeling that I was experiencing. Those roads were the longest roads I have seen in my life. They were the highway to hell, the ending was never there it was just a road full of misery.


I got scared, I thought the feeling would never go away. Even after I got home I couldn't control myself. I wanted to cry but there was just something between my diaphragm and stomach that was trying to come out unintended. I thought my soul was trying to leave my body. I couldn't sleep nor close my eyes for rest. My whole body was fatigued. I was in a state of miserable unexplained pain.

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