I think I want to die.

                            1

I always knew how I was going to die. It was written on my skin from the day I was born. There was nothing that was more certain in my life than that. So certain. And I have looked at my death more than I have looked at myself. One permanent thing in my life and I hate it so much. 

“ Miss Biftu, madam will see you now. Follow me please” 

Finally, a sprinkle of hope for me. Even if hope has never been my friend, I desperately NEED this to work. As if I would do anything if it doesn’t work. The lady I'm following is wearing a low-back shirt that shows her tattoo. Typical. I have grown to hate these people. Like what’s the point of showing how you're going to die? ‘Oh look at me I’m gonna live 20 more years and I’m getting hit by a bus but I have embraced it because I have a happy life’ In my defense it's looking for attention or I’m just jealous because I never get to wear a low back shirt. My attention drifted from the tattoo of the woman as the hallway started getting darker. Oh things I do for death!

As we got to a huge dark brown door the lady opened it and invited me in with a smile. I gave her a smile back and entered the room. The lady closed the door behind me. Now all my adrenaline is running through my body. It’s too late now. it's a bit darker than I imagined. I actually can’t see what I'm stepping on. 

“Hello my darling, welcome, please take a seat” Her voice is soft. Ugh shit, I can't find a chair. Am I blind? 

“Sit on the floor, my dear…” 

Of course, silly of me to look for a chair. 

“Do you have my money?” she asked as I sat down. 

“Yes… yes I do. should I give it to you now?” my voice is cracking. 

“put it on the table, my dear” 

Either I am going crazy from my insomnia or Lady Suu is crazy because I don’t see a table. 

“Put it on the floor to your left foot, that's where the table is.” Okay, lady Suu is definitely mental. That’s probably why I trust her with my life. Well at least with the rest of my life. I put the money where she told me to and I stared into the darkness. This feels like home. I love it. 

“I know why you are here… but I can't help but wonder why a young beautiful soul like you would want to see me. you are too young my dear… why is it that you need me” 

At this point, I’m starting to believe Lady Suu is a ghost because I can feel her moving around but I can’t see her. I feel like she is standing behind me but I know I won't see her if I try. 

“Don’t try…. You won't see me I’m not meant to be seen”

Of Course she knows what I'm thinking. Why did she ask me the question then? 

“Why do you need me? Why did you have to pay all these sacrifices to see me?” She asks again.  

“I’m tired… I'm tired of it all. And I don’t want to stay one more day in this life let alone another 30 years I just can’t” Here comes the waterfall. I cry as per usual. 

“hmm ..you know only a few people come to me… you know the price you had to pay….and I thought you wanted the exact opposite of what you are asking me considering it… ” 

“Yes, lady Suu I know but I believe my death is my freedom. I was not meant to be here, I know it in my heart… There is more for me after my death. Give me my freedom lady Suu… give me my freedom...the other person needs the life more than me….please” I cry into the darkness. I feel like she is in front of me now. I think she smells like the essence I smelled when I was a child.  

“Okay…. As you wish my darling…”

Yes! I think this is actually going to work! I hope my new tattoo won’t hurt. Wait, is that smoke? What kind of smoke is that? I’m feeling lightheaded aww I think this is how she sedates me. Nice. 

“But be careful my darling, be careful of the ashy hair and the thin lips… once you look into the dark eyes the magic of the wonder dies” 

What? What does that mean? Ashy hair? W….a….i…t I can’t feel my legs. Oh fuck I’m passing out. 

                 2 

It feels so nice to know I'm dying in 36 days and not in a million days. Lady Suu I’m forever in debt. Well actually I am in debt. I borrowed money I won't pay back even if I lived my whole life. Good thing I have 36 days. I would be dead by the time my landlord finds out what I used the money for. 

It’s a good day today. I am trying to be more positive now that I know it’s all temporary. You know it’s kind of special now because I won’t have to do it for another 30 years over and over. The only thing I'm gonna miss is drinking my coffee after it’s cold in the sun while reading a good book. That is why I want to go out today. I'm planning to do that every day for the coming 36 days. 

I got up and looked at my tattoo in the mirror. The new one is looking a bit rough. Lady Suu told me it will take exactly 30 days till it matches my old tattoo and they sink in together. All I have to do is leave it alone and massage it with olive oil every night. 

Even the building I tried to jump off is looking extra colorful today. wow.

The coffee shop is empty, has it always been this empty? I never actually looked. I ordered an espresso and looked outside. My favorite seat is not taken. I got excited to sit on it and read. I’m contemplating if I want a brownie with my coffee… do I? 

“Can I have an espresso too?” 

A voice came behind me. So warm but yet wavy. I don’t know why my heart shattered but it did and I turned around to look.  

And there it was my fate to never be changed, a man with gray ashy hair and tiny thin lips was standing behind me. 

How can I run away from it now?