Edelawit and Her Doom

I always knew how I was going to die. It was written on my skin from the day I was born. That black, bold cursive scribble on my back which read “You’ll die the moment you stop living” hadn’t made the foggiest sense to me until I reached the second grade. Disappointingly, the only thing I could think at such a young age was “Ptffff! That’s so easy-peasy. As long as there is breath in tiny my body and my little heart is pumping, what is there to worry?! I can live forever!” It hadn’t occurred to me then that the way I comprehended it would dictate the life I had ahead.

Back then, when kids my age looked out for cars, stayed away from fire, kept a healthy diet (I suppose something imposed by their parents of course) and did everything to keep astray from their predetermined fates, all I had to do was live. My parents would say, “Look at you girl! You just got to live. Edelawit, do you have the slightest idea how lucky you are?”

 I just had to do the mundane stuff- wake up, get ready for school, go to school, make friends that don’t last, “learn,” come back, sleep and the vicious cycle would go on. Summer was the same – except there was no school. Of course, my body fulfilled (with my aid) all the biological processes it had to carry out. Mind you, I was immune to everything else posed to be dangerous to other's lives. You could try to run me over with a car, stab me in all the right spots or even throw me off of a building. NONE OF IT WORKED ON ME. Yes, the word INVINCIBLE was made for me. After all, the only way I could die was if I stopped living and I didn’t. Or at least that was what I thought.

Growing up, intrusive thoughts like “Who am I? I didn’t even ask to be here” would bug me every now and then. “Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t been born at all.” While everyone was trying to change or at least escape from the grip destiny had on them, I had nothing to fight for or so I thought until my 20th birthday came around.

Last Saturday, I turned 20. A big number, I know! And it made me think a lot- probably the first time my birthday did that. What have I been doing all these years? Have I really been living? If I've been living, then why does it feel like I've been walking dead? Why can't I shake off this feeling that I'm not making the best use of my talents? Why do my dreams feel so out of reach? Why do I shove my passions down the drain? Why is it so hard for me to tell the people who root for me how much I love them? Why do I cut off ties with those who are ready to love me? Why do I reach out only to let go? Why did I let go of him this quickly? Why do I dread rejection so much? Why is it that I'm not fighting enough for those whom I wish to have in my life? Why do I go through self-loathing every day? Why am I so savage to my mind? Why can't I feel myself anymore? Why can't I tend to my needs just like I do for everyone? Why do I take everything I have for granted? Why do I obsess over what everyone thinks of me? Why am I so self-conscious all the time? Why am I never enough for myself? Why do I let my doubts get the better of me? Why am I watching my life go by without me? Why am I dead? Why why why why???

I don't remember exactly when I stopped living - when I succumbed to this fate of mine. To think that I've been dead alive for a long time, what a true shame...what a disappointment.

It's not like I didn't feel a spark to truly live within me every now and then. I just didn't do enough to protect it from going out. The thought of living petrifies me -the thought of changes, taking risks and vulnerabilities. Could that be why? Will time be on my side if I do decide to start again? Can I try to defeat death one more time? Will I win this time?

I'm afflicted by how much damage I've been doing to myself. But the way I see it now, I can cause more casualties or lessen them day by day.

Edelawit, words aren't enough to portray my remorse. The only way I can repent is by starting anew. Will you take my hands, please? Let's feel a little each day, shall we? Let's savour every beautiful sunshine and starry night sky. Let's find joy in the little things..in people's smiles and their exquisite pulchritude. Let's put ourself out there no matter how anxious. Let's be bold enough to say what we really think and feel. Let's not give in to fear of judgement. Let's write a little each day. We've always loved literature, remember? We've always been fond of putting heartfelt words. We even thought about becoming a writer one day. Sad we shoved it off because we dreaded failure, don't you think? Let's see how far we can pursue our passion. Let's continue reaching out to people we relate to - people we admire from afar. I know we've had to shut him out like that but let's wait if he shall return, okay? Let's not worry for we'll find our way back to him if it's meant to be. If not, let's not beat ourself up. Let's be a little kind to our mind each day, alright? Let's not indulge in hateful things. Let's take delight in other's success. Instead of envying, let's be inspired. Let's learn to love ourself to pieces a little each day, agreed? Let's celebrate and pat ourself for every little achievement. Let's not stay bitter whenever we stumble. Let's shed our tears if we have to and get back up again. We've always had that gutsy spirit -that will of fire thanks to Naruto, right? Let's think of everyone who cheers us up. Let's be gratified we have them. I know it's always been hard to explicitly deliver our affections, but let's show them in our actions. Let's genuinely be there for our dear ones. Let's have their backs through thick and thin. And how can I forget those beautiful bracelets we make! We sure have a knack for crafts, don't we? How about we see our small business through? How about we stress less and have a little bit of faith more? Those persistently pessimistic thoughts never helped, did they? How about little by little, day by day, minute by minute, we start living? And this is how we shall make our doom surrender to us, as it should. So! Edelawit, shall we?!

Yes...yes..yes!