To the lost friendships

T

Is it not funny how I ponder on what could have happened had they been here all along, how literally I would have a different life. It’s funny because I miss them, I can’t help remembering them whenever something happens, I would think what they would say, how they would react but they are not here anymore and despite our differences I genuinely loved them, I still do. They say it’s hard losing a lover but I say it’s harder losing a friend, friends know you at your best and at your worst, they had been there on the way, they know your deepest secrets, they know your family problems, they know what makes you happy, they know what you hate and I thought it would last, we made plans for the future we didn’t know we would lose, the childhood dreams but they are not here anymore they moved on and it is hard seeing them move on as if the friendship never happened and I am still hung up on it I still said sorry even when I have been wronged, I tried giving chances for them to change, to not hurt me constantly, to be what I’ve been for them. I tried holding on to them when they didn’t want to stay. Maybe that’s why, maybe it’s because I am too clingy, too loving, too forgiving, too hopeful and too feeling. Life goes on.

I remember praying to God on fifth grade not to separate me from my then best friend, for us to be in the same class till we finish school. That never happened we got separated in class in 8th grade and from then she drifted, suddenly I was replaced. It used to be me and her and then others and then others and her. I remember when she told me she asked some other girl for a relationship advice and she did what the girl told her and I only found out months later and it’s because I asked her. I remember being so hurt that my best friend wouldn’t even tell me the simplest things in her life but it seemed she was my best friend but I was not hers. Things changed and she started to forget who I was, my birthdays but I always remembered hers. Now she has tons of friends to even remember what we had and I still miss her. She does not want to talk to me anymore. She does not reply to my texts. I wanted to wish her a happy birthday but I remembered she doesn’t like me anymore so I stopped myself.

I remember being so hurt when my friend insulted me in front of many people and i didn’t know what to say. She was literally my best friend. She knew my secrets and I knew hers. She was there when nobody was. She was there when I was on the brink of death. I didn’t want to lose her. I said sorry but that didn’t fix it.

Here I am wondering what happened to them for them to become someone they used to hate or was it just pretense. I’ll never know. But I know one thing and it is that I am so grateful for the friends I have now even in many difficulties they stayed. I am so grateful for God that he took those out of my life, I know I wouldn’t be this content and happy. Even though I love them with all my heart I know they wouldn’t fit in my life and neither will I.

God knows what he is doing. He knows the best!