Women aren't funny!

You laugh, you lose your panties. I don't know or remember if I'm the one who have coined this expression (excuse me, my brain has been rotting for the past decade or so), but after grappling with that horrid phrase, I clutched onto my undies tightly and I tried to combat it by being the funny one in any conversation. Due to my desperate attempts, I finally started getting the compliment I was striving for: 'Hey, you're funny.' But, goddammit, it didn't feel good. Why, you ask? Well, the explanations and contradictory takes ensue in a series of atypical order.

The 'because I am a woman' shenanigan:

Spartans have evolved to plumbers, and some even into independent boss bitches, but sadly, gender stereotypes are something even Cardi B couldn't fix. I have succumbed to said stereotypes so as to have any interaction with the opposite gender. Listen, I need my cuddles, okay? Pretending to be a frail, dainty feather of a woman will always be my favorite bit. Not knowing about taxes or the economy made me adorable. All these worked wonders for me up until they didn't. In the midst of my ladylike demeanor, I'd slip up, I'd crack a joke, and just like that, all my privileges were revoked. Cuddle time was over, homie.

Being funny as a woman seems to equate to being viewed as a friend, a buddy, a brotherly sister, or even a father figure for some folks, mostly men, of course. And contrary to what you believe, none of those roles signify being a lover or a slut—the two things a lady desperately wants to be. What a waste!

A humiliation ritual:

Making a guy laugh has a bittersweet feeling. The sweet part lasts for about 5 seconds, and then I am overcome with absolute disgust and shame about my deed. I loathe my very existence. I have failed you, Lady Macbeth. She would be rolling in her grave if she knew how short-lived my triumphs are. I have let you down, milady. I am not a slaying queen; I have devolved myself into a prop of a woman in the face of our mortal enemy, the men.

And just when I try to console myself and think it's all in good fun, the oracle of Google chimes in and tries to sell us on the idea that 'humor is meant to make light of situations and create better interactions between people'. Yeah, right! I'm calling absolute bull crap on that. I will even wave my middle finger in protest because really, tension, sweaty armpits, nervous giggles, and rosy cheeks—all signs of early cardiac arrest—is what will keep any man or romance going. I mean, you should fight your nemesis or at the very least collapse before their very eyes. And trust me, you will be winning on both terms, so why bring levity to the situation?

The sexist take:

I am fairly certain in previous times, women who had a witty bone were thought to be more promiscuous. Behold, I have no proof of this claim, nor do I feel the need to do my research about it, for I am too lazy, and more importantly, I am a female; logic isn't exactly my forte. But mark my words, anything that was remotely done by women to appease men was seen as a form of harlotism.

Even to this day, the line between female comedians and prostitutes is too blurry to even be seen. The comparisons are uncanny—the entertainment of men, one with a mic, the other with something of similar euphemism but with much lower girth or length, if you catch my drift. I shall say no more. And I will bet my last penny that both will have at least one guy vouching to save them from this unfitting lifestyle. I also wanted to say both are attention-seeking whores, but hey, that's just society as a whole.

Now, I am nothing close to a comedienne, nor do I aspire to be one, but the sentiment applies to all women who are somewhat humoristic. So, ladies, whenever you want to air out a joke with a guy in the premises, don't! Get off the pole, honey! Go back to school!

The 'But.. but I am a feminist' crutch:

If you have been reading intently, you would notice that none of the above-stated moderately controversial takes align with the initial premise. The title isn't up for debate. You either find someone funny or not—that's up to you, but the jig is in determining where the generalized judgment came into play. That's the part I delved into.

And honestly, it's not that women aren't funny; it's that they aren't supposed to be, or perhaps they're even preferred that way, because as previously mentioned, this trait is one not coinciding with the presumed socially approved womanly conduct. Ah! What a shit show!

I didn't say it first, but I will say it again: Women are funny (well, some of them). Period. Case in point: your mom.

The inputs you didn't ask for:

To the women and men who claim to be witty, first off, you're probably not, sorry! Now that I have belittled you and your fragile ego is hurt, you're bound to listen to me, so here is some advice: being humorous is a good trait, an awesome one at that, but it probably gets exhausting at times. At some point, it becomes a theatrics of some sort, turning every interaction into a performance. Instead of having a genuine conversation with people, you start treating them as an audience. Stop it! Deal with your childhood trauma or whatever the shrink advised. You have other redeeming qualities, and if you don't, try to develop one—take up a hobby, knit, tap dance, push a kid into a ditch, or even better, talk to your parents.

To the fellas who are enamoured by women with a great sense of humour, if you think she is funny, is that your sly way of saying she is not exactly a looker? If the answer is yes, then leave her alone and scoot, shoo, you dweeb. But if it's a resounding no, then by all means express your adoration, and I beg of you, laugh at her jokes, giggle, smirk, let out a fart or two, and unclench your butt, buddy, It's not that deep!

And last but not least to those who are in love with me:
Teehehe. You silly young man!
Yours truly.