Men should NOT have nipples!


This piece is exactly what you expect it to be. So, I ask you to stand with me as I oppose this absolute jest of a creation.

As a member of a proudly dysfunctional society, I have my unproductive days where I mindlessly surf the internet, as I crave for something that could potentially eternally scar me. I have given my fair contribution in the devolving of humanity by being sucked into the loop that is the internet. At my ripe age, I have just learned how to walk (from scratch mind you), mastered the craft of breathing and yet, my main accomplishment is having learned how to aggressively shake my "tatas," thanks to the existence of hot singles on Twitter.

However, nothing leaves me with absolute terror than stumbling upon a shirtless guy in the wilderness that is their own home—somehow convinced that the world needs to witness their half-naked self while shoving those underdeveloped "chesticles" on the unfavored masses.

After watching this disturbing sight, I find myself deeply contemplating the mere existence of what we all collectively agreed are the male species. I have a hard time forming or maintaining a conversation with said species because of the mistrust I harbor for what lies beneath their shirt. Is it a hidden earpiece? Was it a technical difficulty? Or perhaps a cosmic joke we are not in on yet? I want to know. I need to know the classified secrets they hold under those areolas and what exactly we are missing out on.

This mystery hasn't been resolved despite my best effort. I have heard multiple "let go of me's" in the quest of my harmless inquiry. I tried to decipher what that meant, but receiving a restraining order was the only explanation offered. This, furthermore, piques my interest, for not only do we not know what the use of man boobs are, or if they've been a biological mishap, but they're also protected by law? Why? For what purpose?

As a member of the degenerate masses of the internet, I stand against anything I don't understand, hence why I detest men's nipples. I protest those pink, nay brown, zits with every part of my being, as they carry a useless reminder of the unfinished evolution that should've taken place but didn't, the failure of our society. Having functioning orifices should be, in the words of modern philosophy, the absolute bare minimum, gworl! This is why the men most favored by me are those with tumor-ridden pituitaries or those engulfed with hypothyroidism—the feeble ones with functioning tits have and will always be my type.

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