It's been called for.


A chaos that took too long to take place

I can feel chaos is coming. I haven’t been able to concentrate recently with all the sudden bursts of emotions. I can feel how it’s all going to blow up when least expected and hence distanced myself and took a break from everything that could possibly overwhelm me. I even avoided the one friend I had who helped me through it all before. It all started with a news I saw about a tragic story of a woman being assaulted and was forced to live through it all. The trauma resurfaced, the dark nights, the pleas for help that went unheard, being blamed for it all even though I was just a little girl, yeah that’s what hearing for the news in hopes of being informed caused. I remember finding myself breathless on the floor clutching my chest. I knew I had to pick myself up because again I avoided the only person who’d be there for me. I sobbed remembering the person or monster should I say, is out there and active. I couldn’t shrug off the creeping feeling, the same one I get walking around in a world when people like that exist. I’ve been a lot better in recent years but it’s getting worse with every passing day, but doctors being themselves they’ve decided it’s one of my endless mental illnesses that has caused me to feel like this, but I feel like this one’s different and for the worst. I even have heard someone directly threaten me a few months back but dismissed it mainly because I didn’t want to believe in the possibility of all those memories back but also because I had to believe my doctor about the meds I take having these effects sometimes. But I had to pick myself up and go on about my day. Today is like every other day, go out, pretend like you’re normal and not insane at all, walk around with caution, and this is nothing compared to what goes inside my head.

I found myself out of it and wandering on the streets these days. I find myself staring at the cars passing by and wondering how easy it’d all be if I just get run over by one. It’s been a little over two weeks and today I’ve found myself in one the bars because that seems like the only place that currently silences the voices that don’t seem to shut up. I have a feeling these aren’t just voices regardless of what the claimed doctors say. Why am I so sure of myself, if I’m unstable, you say? Because I received three days ago, I’ve received a letter saying that this will all be over soon and ‘we’ wouldn’t be suffering anymore, and I would be lying if I say I hate the idea of it totally because I in fact feel relieved about the thought of it. That’s why I’ve been so reckless these days, I wanted to enjoy the world while I still am intact, get out of my house and intoxicate myself to numb out anything negative. I went out of the bar and decided to stroll around some more and maybe go home early. I’m disappointed that my mind is still functioning, and the alcohol isn’t working as much as it should, which must be why I still feel the chills run down my back as I’m walking. I find myself dazed and lying at my couch in my house. Surprised I even made it here, I tried to find out where the voice that woke me up from this deep death like slumber from. I heard ruckus coming from outside of my home, fear started to set in as voices get loud. There was a loud bang on my front door which brought me back to my senses. I tried to find a safe place, I absentmindedly hid somewhere I don’t even recognize, I then glanced up only to look straight into familiar eyes, eyes I couldn’t get out of my head every time I had a bad day. I feel the hopelessness run through me as he comes closer with a wide grin. I still couldn’t believe all this was happening, I glanced up again only to confirm it was real. I knew danger was coming I knew I called for it when I witnessed against him. I knew it was called for. I took a deep breath and started waiting for the end. I heard him say, “I’m gonna go easy on you for today”. I saw a gun pointed at me. I saw his eyes for the last time. I heard a second thud. I understood the ‘we’. I then saw black.

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