Behind My being ..

I can feel chaos coming. I have felt it since I gained consciousness at the ripe age of 10, maybe 12. It was not easy being an anxious empath with a hint of OCD. I don't have much memory of my childhood but I remember being the mediator in my parent's frequent fights. Thus, I welcomed early adulthood with a not-so-warm hug. Even though I was mature for my age, I subconsciously assumed easy love was not real love. Real love is difficult, complicated, and deteriorating. Ergo, As a semi-adult, I desired heartbreaking, consuming love story.

My parents were not your typical couple. I still do not know how two opposite people- not in an opposite attract kinda way- vow to ruin each other's lives and by extension, their multiple offspring lives. I wonder if they did it for the plot. I assumed my mother did not have any option but to stay. But my dad? He was the ‘it’ man. He was the popular dude who had game back in the day, at least that's what he told me, against my wishes. He was, still is obsessed with dear mama. I guess I internalized that logic when I kept attracting stalker men into my life- sorry Dad. Every year, I learn new things, I realize what I was too blind to see before; like how I thought my mother was the victim in the relationship. It was truly incredible to finally understand their relationship dynamics. Let me break it down for you:

My mother knows how to push my father's buttons, and she likes to see him crumble from the inside out. She likes to make him jealous- maybe that's how she tests his love for her? My father likes to make my mother feel small although she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. It's an insecurity thing I presume. I often question why she stays, and why she refrains from packing her stuff up and departs when nobody else has ever made her experience such emotions. She misinterpreted his insecurity as brutal honesty, believing that his hurtful words were a reflection of his love for her.

I spent all my life observing my parents. As pathetic as it may be, it gives me some kind of purpose in understanding myself. Deeply comprehending their psychology; I learned about trauma bonding because of it. Imagine loving a person who constantly gives you pain. As human beings, we are a vessel of so many emotions, and when we give ourselves away to another person in the name of love, we share our whole being- our energy, anger, hurt, and soul. I wonder if the desire to be loved is greater than our instinct of self-preservation. Unfortunately, we share generational traumas which is manifested in different areas of life. One day we are living life unbothered, and the next, we are suffering the consequences of the karma of our great-grandparents.

No matter how much I observe and re observe my birth givers, no matter how many books I read, and no matter how much I think and talk about it, I have come to terms with the fact that I can never fully grasp the idea of devotion. Everybody goes through their lives with the gift of perception, I don't know why things happened the way they happened. Yes, I did it for the sake of self-actualisation; I was eager to find out what I was made of and so I experimented on who my parents were. Yes, your environment has factors in shaping who you are. but, it requires fortitude to let go and move on, to be satisfied with the person you are today against all odds. yes, I can still feel chaos coming but, it doesn't stop me from pursuing my life.