Whispers of the night

88..89..90...91..92..93...........100. I can't sleep. Was I counting the numbers too fast or what? Am I supposed to count up to 1000? Ahhhhh... Not today too. I wasn't someone who couldn't sleep at night. The moment I got on my bed I would start dreaming right away. Good old days. I have been like this for a few months now. My peaceful sleep era isn't even that far yet it seemed like centuries away. This why I doubt the existence of true happiness, it doesn't have the strength of pain. It tends to evaporate faster than sadder days. I tried to hold onto the feeling of contentment, the warmness of happiness, but for some reason I tend to forget how it looked like. I couldn't hold it for so long. It would be gone before I quenched my thirst.

So it wasn't only my sleep and happiness that left me in the middle of no where. I can mention that and this to the point where I would question my sanity. People that were dear to me, people I trusted so much, left without leaving a trace. I can't lie some were generous enough to leave me some sort of disappointments, good for them at least they didn't leave me empty handed. Some showed me their pictures and I would just be happy like any other random distant viewer. 'Oh I knew this girl I wonder how she ended up here. Hope she is happy now' that would be the maximum coherent words that could express the bitter taste of our separation. And there are another versions of people who grew distant in front of my eyes. I hear them talking but I wasn't allowed to listen anymore. We could talk for hours but couldn't cross that invisible fence. 'This is the new order girl get used to it'  was the statement I read form their eyes. But it is okay it is a known fact that, we people are dynamic creatures. We can't even trust ourselves right? People change it is okay, but why am I not people still now?

1...2...3....4....5...6...7... Where did I go wrong in this life? As far as I remember I tried to do the correct thing all the time, or maybe most of the time. Always prioritize people not money, stay for the sake of the connections not for the comfort, respect everyone regardless of who they are, smile for others even when you are hurting, try to hold yourself no one has to see your breakdowns, never be a burden no one is obligated and expected to carry you, follow the rules stay away from chaos, give the peace every one wishes to have, respect your work unless it isn't too much, practice the ethics and the discipline all the time, be this, be that, do this or that.......full of correct moves but oh dear life! what did you bring me this time situations.  

32...33....34...35....36.... The most common phenomena in every one's life is change and loss. Yet it would never get familiar. Here it is raining..... oh he is gone.... look it is sunny....wow she changed......today is cold.....he was a bad person.....such a windy morning....she passed away , it was supposed to be like that. It wasn't supposed to be something new every time. Why was I still the guest in my own life? Every sound, every song was new as if it never played before.

54....56... no 55....56....57.....why is it so hard to live? Though we all have the same problem, make the same mistakes, give the same solutions, why are we acting like it is only us? why are we lonely in a space full of us? and most importantly why is so hard to sleep?

72...73.................76...........