Letters from the Womb: A Love That Never Was


"You knit me together in my mother's womb..."

It's ironic as much as I hate writing love letters how good I am at them. This a love letter to my mother, I can't write the words so I utter it as baby murmurs. I have been writing love letters ever since I came to know of her. My eyes are closed but I can sense her. I can feel her entirety and the love she has for me. I am just an unborn fetus what do I know about love one might question. I breath the same air as her and her heart beats with mine. I belong to her and the love she has for me is profound. It's nurturing and undying. She is the root that is keeping me alive. My mother is love.
 I can't wait to meet her and live with her in her world.
She is kindness and hope. She is what excites me to go on from month to month. I feel wanted. I feel needed. I matter. I feel alive. She is what calms me down in the storm of doubt. She is the tree of life and I am her tiny flower so I grow and I grow and I grow, then I blossom and she will hold me in adoration.
I can't wait to meet her.....I can't wait to see the shape of her face,The brown of her eyes and the strand of her hair,But, I can't, meet her.
I can feel my mother's sadness despite her love for me. I can feel her grief and worry. What are you weary mommy, you have me? I love it when you sing to me. Can't you feel it? My hand reaches out to you. I wiggle my leg just to let you know I am there. I recognize you. I already know you for I am part of you. I can hear you cry sometimes and it breaks my little heart. You are a vessel of wisdom and the canal of life. Why so sad dear mother for you have me to worship you? You tell me about the sun, the flowers, the birds and the bees. The rainbows and the rain drops. How beautiful it feels to see life through your eyes. 
I am almost here mommy. I can't wait to meet you but wait, I still can feel your pain. I can feel your stress. But wait, I am finding it hard to breath. What's happening? Why can't I breath? I am almost with you. You are going to hold me in your arms and sing me a lullaby. You are going to sit on the rocking chair and kiss my forehead as I fall asleep. Isn't that what you told me? Is that what you promised?
Here I am at last. I have arrived. I arrived but I caused you pain. I never knew the begining of life starts with your pain and mine. The outside is cold and bright. I feel cold where is the warmth that I once knew. Mother why aren't you holding me? Mother I can't breath, I am turning blue. It is painful to keep my eyes open. I am not moving. I am not crying. Is this normal? I am shivering. I feel weak. Who is this stranger that holds me up side down. What is this room with it's neon lights and strange atmosphere? I can not breath even though they keep moving me. What are they doing? I didn't understand it at first but now I am realize what is going to happen next. I am sorry mother I guess I am not meant to be in your world. 
They handed you my body wrapped in the blanket you sow me; before I closed my eyes one last time to never open them again. You spoke to me. You sound as lovely as the first time I heard you speak to me. How beautiful you are my beautiful mother. I felt your hot tears dropping on my face. I feel loved. I am home. Good bye mother, now I know why you always called me "Angel".

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