KOKO June 3, 2022
"Living is going to be more painful than death. But do you still want to live?"
...
The time stood still like it didn't start moving since I got on the bus. All the definitions I read about time and its meaning did not make sense at the time. Everything was stuck at the moment on the other hand I faded away through whatever was counting at that time but I am sure it wasn't time.
My soul left me halfway through the road. I was trying to connect with my body but I couldn't. I tried to close my eyes a couple of times or more but the sunshine that was coming through the window didn't let me. I couldn't feel my legs, I can not explain the feeling but I was only in control of my upper body. The pain was not painful to be explained. I was numb.
So many thoughts crossed my mind. I got into an argument with myself to distract me from the alexithymia feeling that I was experiencing. Those roads were the longest roads I have seen in my life. They were the highway to hell, the ending was never there it was just a road full of misery.
I got scared, I thought the feeling would never go away. Even after I got home I couldn't control myself. I wanted to cry but there was just something between my diaphragm and stomach that was trying to come out unintended. I thought my soul was trying to leave my body. I couldn't sleep nor close my eyes for rest. My whole body was fatigued. I was in a state of miserable unexplained pain.
