Chaotic Heart


can see chaos is coming. The urgent phone call to meet and the sudden desire to talk makes me feel shiver throughout my body. Yes, my intuition was right...

Chaotic Heart

I can see chaos is coming. The urgent phone call to meet and the sudden desire to talk makes me feel shiver throughout my body. My head was full of questions even though my heart knows about what this talk is going to be. The moment I reached there and looked into his eyes, I feel a sharp pain in my heart with a possibility of heartbreak. Yes, my intuition was right. It never was wrong. The air between us felt heavy with many of unclear emotions, unspoken words and unfulfilled promises shutting out the light over our once spirited connection. This was the moment I knew in every fiber of my body that our love was hanging on the edge of destruction, and the upcoming pain of a broken heart emerge threatening on the horizon.

 The once warm feeling of his touch felt cold and that smile that used to make me melt is nowhere to be found in his face. I could see the distance growing between us, just like the distance between the earth and the sky. The comfort of his hug once I used to love makes me suffocated and makes it hard to breathe. I knew deep in my soul that a storm was coming, and the calm before the breakup was slowly drifting away.

 I don’t even need to hear the word that were about to come out of his mouth. I can see that our love, hope, faith and future crumbling apart. The laughter we used to have sounded like sorrow to me. The plan we have for the future feels like that we have already failed. The sun shines bright in the sky; the wind freely blows through the air but cold is shivering through my body and makes it difficult to breath. I can’t hold still to where I was stand; not having the strength to wait until he says what I have been afraid of hearing. I feel like as if someone’s hands were intentionally squeezing my heart. The colorful beauty of the world seemed muted and dull. Nothing was inside me but emptiness was full both in my soul and heart. My breaths came in shallow gasps, as if the air itself had turned thick.

 Tears threatened to spill over, but I held them back, because ones the waterworks comes no turning back. I wouldn't be able to stop. As always I don’t want to look weak in front of him. With each beat of my broken heart, the excruciating ache in my chest gets louder. Before I sink in this sea of emotions, I longed to reach out and grab onto something substantial, something genuine. But I can't lean on anything. The physical pain of heartbreak is going to consume me, with a sharp pain all over my body.

 I can feel chaos is coming. Tears finally broke, flowing down my cheeks. The physical pain together with the emotional turbulence, creating a storm within me that threatened to destroy everything in its path. I am being wondered if this sharp edges of my heartbreak will ever going to be softened. Wondered if this ache in my chest will eventually replace by a dull pain? If I ever going to find peace. If I ever going to see the beauty in the world again and the humanity in humans. If I ever going to feel the weight of the heartbreak easing itself and slowly lifted from my shoulder. If ever the tears going to came less frequently and replaced with lovely smile like before. If I ever going to have a newfound sense of purpose.

 And still I am feel chaos is going to come even more in the future since love is an emotional rollercoaster and relationships are full of surprises.

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