The Fifty Shades Trilogy (Movie Crit, I guess)

4 min read

Watching (and writing reviews on) the popular movies I get hated for not watching, part 1.

Next time I do this—watch a similarly corny movie—I will make sure I am stoned so it won't be a complete waste of time.

So apparently the movie is adapted from Twilight fanfiction (which, by the way, is not implied in any way except a few scenes of the girl biting her lips and making out with a pencil) written by a 46 years old lady who actually describes the who trilogy as "my midlife, writ large. All my fantasies in there, and that's it." Hence, I would, of course, not expect it to contain conversations or something that would leave you to think about (except how much of a waste of time it is).

What is it even about, it isn't about anything. They met because she had to cover for a friend interviewing a billionaire. And we know that because all he does is take calls and "makes things happen," runs, drinks orange juice, and (sigh) I am so ashamed of my gender because this was so popular with "girls" Oh my fucking god.

Then, he, obviously, gets so interested in knowing her more. Biblical terms wink-wink. You do know how creepy this is, right? And he stalks her down to the little store she works in? And the ladies collectively agreed this is hot? The same ladies who don't even want to hear a single word from men on the streets? Were we really sure when we allowed this to be popularized? The stress, the trauma, the controlling abusive issues, and the legend standing in front of you and telling you that for the exchange of all that what you get is being together with… with him? I cannot wait till we are extinct.

The movie, then, pretty much plays a montage of porn hoping the audience would not find out that the movie is about nothing, and the conversations that go back and forth are actually an attempt to say nothing by using a lot of words the playwright/author found on a thesaurus. The first two movies are actual gibberish, and then there is the third one... (sigh) Who even funded this? There were wars around the world, and people actually thought these books were... erotic?

If they had stayed in their lane of it being merely erotic literature, it would have made sense. But they wanted to make it seem like there was an actual character conflict and resolution. Grey is going through some character development that we understand only when his family randomly mentions to Steele that she has been so important to him and that he is becoming open to his family.

Then her boss who is also an obsessed hater of Grey because he was not picked by the foster family of Grey, and since that naturally turns a person into someone with an inferiority complex who is also a dumb rapist who thinks he is smart appears and attempts to make things interesting. He fails miserably. And whatever the writers are trying to make this sound like it's well-thought-of and has a point, it ends up making it seem like a porn video done with a background story improvised on the spot.

Oh, what I almost forgot is the scene where they meet an architect who is written to have no character, no sense of self-esteem, nothing an architect is at the end of years of refinement in architecture school… where does this lady even get the profiles of people from? And, the scene is only there to show you “Mrs. Grey” can play with her new wifey superpowers. Then her reward is to drive a car around… (and would you judge me if I say art died?)

There are many potentials for actual stories, conflicts, and plots, but no. These works will be living proof that one can make over $1.3 billion if they just really do not care about things making sense or not. Stretching nothing for a whole trilogy and making millions of dollars? I should probably take notes, you know. That's smart.

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