Watermelons Are Overrated
It’s about time we talked about it.
(For me) watermelons have always tasted like a dialed-down version of those nasty fish oils I was tricked into swallowing as a child. If you've seen those videos of babies’ first time trying lemon, that’s my exact reaction whenever I try watermelons.
I was living my watermelon-less life peacefully until I got bold and let people knew watermelons belonged under veggies. Then, people began pestering me, incessantly telling me I am missing out. Well dude, I know. I deliberately decided to “miss out.” So, let me live a horrid life without melons.
At one point, I even tried to figure out what the big deal about them was. So, I asked around. Apparently, it’s either its texture, which feels like munching on apple peels while sipping water, or its “thirst-quenching quality”, which a friend described as “water with a perfect pinch of sweetness.” But I don’t think it’s sane to grab slices of melons when one feels thirsty.
In a disrespectful disregard to my distaste (whoa, go easy with the “dis-”), some tell me that I’ve only had the bad ones (hi, mom). “The smaller taste sweeter;” “Come on, try this. It’s from the magical climate of [insert some random countryside] where mangos grow to the size of boulders;” “See this wavy pattern on the peel, this definitely got that watermelon-y signature.”…I got carried away, pinched my nostrils, and tried them all. Surprisingly all taste identical – fish-oil-y with slight variation of texture and water content. Fed up, I made a covenant; if I try watermelons ever again, it’ll be because a Bigfoot riding a unicorn was offering it.
As a bystander, I’ve noticed that once you go down that watermelon path, there might be no way back. I’ve seen the passionate way watermelon-fanatics profess their love for it, involving lots of mi amor’s and chef kisses. I guilelessly suggested they should put a glittery ring on it and take it home. But they got defensive and argued, “just because you don’t like it, it doesn’t mean everybody shouldn’t.” Well, even if I tried average Tesfaye, I can’t break off happy couples.
After wracking my brain for about two minutes, I have come up with two-ish redeeming uses of watermelons, invalidating consumption of course. One, they can be cheaper alternatives to kettlebells. (I can imagine people squatting, holding watermelons out in front of them.)Two, they can make a decent profile picture. But with proper lighting and backdrop, even those awful fish-oils can.
So, I guess, it’s safe to say that it wouldn’t bother me much if melons went extinct.
